a five minute headstart
by mirajens
Summary: The usual "you might be pregnant but they'll still arrest you for murder" fluff fic


**note:** My pregnant best friend and I are chefs. She bought this case of fuji apples for baking and saw the next morning her family ate it and she spends the whole day crying while plotting the next Uchiha Massacre. I continue to stay neutral offering vague words of comfort and avoiding crossfire.

* * *

 **a five minute headstart**

 _._

 _._

" ** _Who did it!_** "

The entire guild hall startled when they heard the loud boom of a voice that was normally so soft and lilting. Every head turned to look at Mirajane Strauss, standing by the mouth of the kitchen, her hands fisted by her expanded waist, the look of a murderous devil she'd been known for stamped on her face. Involuntary shivers overtook some. Others muttered a prayer. Others began to flinch into balls as if to make themselves smaller.

"What's wrong, Mira?" The brave Cana replied, her voice uncertain and it was sure she only got the courage to speak from the alcohol she'd been having for lunch.

Now, tears came. Fat drops rolled down Mirajane's pink cheeks, making her look pitiful. No one liked it when she cried. "Someone ate all the black cherries I kept in the stock room! I was going to make pies with it." As if weakened by her discovery, Mirajane wobbled (as she was prone to, at seven months pregnant with twins, she was carrying a lot of weight inside her) to the nearest chair. "I had to order that from the capital! It cost a lot and I was really excited to make it. It's the only thing I can do for the guild now that I'm so big and slow. I can't even bake bread because the oven is too far back into the wall and my stomach can't let me lean in like I used to. This was _my thing._ Now I'm useless."

En masse, the guild began to comfort her, such loyal worshippers of their beloved Mira-chan. In a flash, her tears dried and her eyes turned fiery again, as if she was preparing for slaughter. "I want to know who did it. Tell me right now which one of you it was or everyone will suffer."

Not wanting to risk any damage, Lucy immediately piped up. "Natsu did it. He left all these cherry pits on my dining table." Silently, she added, "Please spare everyone else."

Mirajane nodded solemnly, rising from her chair. "I won't forgive him. He will be dead. Tell him he has two hours until I destroy him. After I come back from yoga." The white-haired barmaid disappeared into the back room to gather her belongings.

Scratching the back of his neck, Laxus followed meekly, intent on talking some sense into his wife. 'Sense' that sounded like, 'you might be pregnant but they'll still arrest you for murder.'

No such luck, of course. Mirajane left for prenatal yoga livid and scheming a fire dragon slayer's torture.

* * *

Just scant minutes after Mirajane left with her husband carrying her yoga mat and gym bag, Natsu strolled into the guild doors, cheerful as usual and cawing about his empty stomach. The dire look everyone sent him had him wary.

"What the fuck are you guys looking at me like that for?" he asked as he came further inside the guild hall. He stopped at the table Gray and Lucy sat in.

"Oh, Natsu, I'm so sorry," Lucy began.

Were those tears in her eyes? What the fuck?

"You have to skip town, Flamebrain." In a rare show of consideration and sympathy for Natsu, Gray clamped a hand on Natsu's shoulder and gave him a solemn look. "Mirajane is after your head. I don't have time to explain and actually, I don't want to get involved." Just the thought of Mirajane knowing who had aided Natsu's vanishing act and foiled her plans for harm frightened Gray. "Just get out of here. You don't have much time."

Lucy was nodding. If she could speak at all, she would say goodbye. But like Gray, she wanted her hands clean.

Natsu rose from the bench, giving his teammates an odd look. "What? You guys are being idiots. Mirajane would never harm anyone." He rolled his eyes at their weak prank. Must have been a prank, right?

* * *

Later in the day, Natsu caught Laxus just as the man was sitting own on his favored corner table, just having finished with bringing Mirajane back from her class.

Tactless as usual, Natsu stood just a little too close to where Laxus was sitting, and talked way too loud considering he was indoors and his conversation's recipient was just a few inches in front of him. "Oi, Laxus, I've been hearing some shit about how Mira's mad at me or something? What's up with that?"

Laxus heaved a heavy sigh as he signaled Kinana over for his usual order. "Yeah, she's gonna kill you. She's been telling me ideas for the past couple hours. Really creative. Kinda scary." He said in a droll voice, not even looking at Natsu whose general aura just gave him a headache on slow days. Jesus. You'd think a guy would have evacuated the city. It was highly impossible no one had warned Natsu about Mirajane's upset.

"What! Why!" Natsu exclaimed as Kinana, who sent him a pitying look, set down a platter of bread and cheese and a jug of beer in front of Laxus.

Laxus took his time putting the slices of brie into the fragrant bread and biting into it before he spoke. He missed Mira's bread. It smelled better and was softer, but he supposed the ones Kinana baked were okay too. As he chewed, he spoke. "Because you're a moron and you ate my wife's cherries. She's livid. And I'm actually pretty glad she has such violent plans about murdering you. I hope she doesn't leave a piece of you because you're one annoying fucker and your voice pisses me off."

"What! My voice isn't annoying!" Natsu cried back, agitated. Then, all of him paled when he remembered: the box of sweet-smelling black cherries, the thrill of sneaking it out of the storage room, the satisfaction of bringing it to Lucy's apartment, the delicious juice coating his lips as he gorged on the sweet fruits. "Oh, no. Man, no wonder she's angry. You gotta help me, Laxus. She's your wife. You can tell her not to hurt me."

Laxus had to wonder why on Earthland Natsu would think he would save him from such a fate. "Good." Laxus said gruffly, never taking his eyes off the bread in front of him. "You deserve it, dumbass."

Natsu's hackles rose at the insult, temporarily forgetting the danger he was in. "What did you call me!"

Still not granting the salmon-haired boy any heed, Laxus snorted. "I'm guessing you still have a five minute head start. Mirajane just asked Lucy if she's seen you and your girlfriend was all too happy to throw you under the bus." Simultaneously, both men looked to the table Lucy sat in. Sure enough, the blonde was there, talking to Mirajane who looked downright satanic. Lucy stabbed a finger at Natsu's direction and Mirajane's eyes darkened as she stared him down. An ominous feeling of dread settled upon him. Natsu found his throat too tight to swallow.

"Oops. Make that one minute. I'd run if I were you. Or get that flying cat of yours." Laxus stopped eating for a minute, thoughtful now. "No, wait. Satan Soul's wingspan is longer than Happy's. I'm sure she'll kill you midair. Better use that minute to write your will, then. Good luck, pal." Back to his bread, he forgot about the younger man's plight. He was too old to be dealing with Natsu's shit. Instead, he wondered what Mira wanted to have for dinner later. While thinking about diner he made it a point to put an extra effort into being indifferent with his surroundings. That is, the sound of Natsu's wailing as Mirajane dragged him out of the guild hall by the feet because she didn't want to have to mop up all his blood after she was done with him.

* * *

 **note:** Why is it that I enjoy writing about Laxu eating bread? I can't shake the feeling that he loves bread and every time I see him I think of that video of Oprah raving about bread.

And I'm sorry for this cracky fluff. I don't like writing it but I can't seem to write anything I like at the moment. So have an instalment of the 'soup and cinnamon sticks' series, still inspired by real events from my best friend's pregnancy (that is, minus the satan soul) and still requested by nani. The things I do for this girl who sends me videos of her cat giving another cat a rimjob smh.

Since I'm already chatting away here, I'm writing some Nalu things. Angst things. It's quite long and I feel like I'm gonna make it a three parter since the last time I asked for other pairings, the feedback I got was for Nalu. So yeah. That angsty exes meeting at a wedding au will happen soonish.


End file.
